It Ain't Always Black or White

In a world full of decisions, there often time comes when there is a gray area. After a very long, stressful day yesterday, our phone finally rang at 9:34. The assessment of Baby Graham's fetal lung development landed in the "borderline" area. The Fluorescent Polarization Test (FLM) measures mature lungs over 55mg/G, and we fell at 53 and got nervous. Our immediate thoughts were, what if we go too early and she ends up with respiratory distress? We'll be living the nightmare all over again. We don't want to put our baby in jeopardy from the start, if we can help it. But, weighing that with "going too long" and risking what happened with Emerson again would be unbearably crushing.

After talking to Casper again this morning, we feel confident in our decision to have an early c-section on Thursday, giving Baby G a few more days to "cook." The repercussions at this stage of gestation would be that she may need a little extra oxygen in the nursery. Ideally, we won't have to go there, but we are accepting that as an option when and if we need to face it.

We began our road to parenthood making extremely tough decisions last year. We know this is part of being parents, and we're willing to accept it. I guess I'm ready to get to a point of balance where there is more joy and happiness that outweighs the worry, fear, anxiety and hard decisions that come with being a parent. That part is all I know so far, and I look forward to the other side.

So, I wait with patience.

Testing

In a world that has so much going on right now, there is only one thing I can turn my focus. I woke this morning at 3, which isn't unusual, and couldn't get back to sleep. My thoughts wandered around the list of things still needed to accomplish, anxiety over the lung capacity test, and thoughts of a delivery.

This morning, we are headed to the hospital for the lung capacity test. Casper and Robin (radiologist) together will draw a sample of amniotic fluid. By ten this morning, it will be couriered to Billings to St. Vincent's hospital. We should know this evening whether our packed bags will head to the hospital in the morning or have to wait another week.

Both Todd and I are ready to hold our baby girl. All the worries and fears and anxiety of birth and post-birth are starting to be outweighed with the simple pleasures of seeing her hands and feet and belly button and ears.

After Kundalini yoga, we always end with this song:
May the long time sun, shine upon you
All love surround you
And the pure light within you
Guide your way on.

I keep singing it over and over in my head. It has become a mantra for my daily living, and my prayer for my little girls.

One Week, well, Maybe

Next Monday, we will have an amniocentesis/ultrasound to determine if Baby Graham's lungs are fully formed and functioning. If so, on Tuesday morning we will have the scheduled c-section.

My gut is turning. I'm not sure how to even describe the fears. And, I don't really want to even write them here, as I feel if I put them out to the Universe, something may really happen. Rather, I will tell you that I am spending time grounding myself, meditating, praying, and seeking others to do the same.

I have been back to the hospital, even to Labor and Delivery, since Emerson died. However, this will be different. I will be going to have our second baby under much more controlled circumstances. We will be going in around 6am with surgery to begin at 8:30am. The same doctors and nurses will be there (planned and scheduled). I will be trying to channel all the good energy that I possibly can, together with Todd and our delivery team. Here's what I look forward to sharing in the first moments and days that I didn't share with Emerson:

- Hearing our baby cry
- Holding our live baby in our arms
- Seeing our baby's eyes
- Wrapping our baby in our arms
- Nursing our baby
- Smelling our baby
- Changing our baby's diapers
- Listening to our baby sleep soundly
- Watching our baby breath on her own
- Watching Todd care for our baby
- Rocking our baby to sleep
- Holding our baby's hands
- Watching our baby grow

I'm sure the list could continue. I will spend the next week praying that these visions come true. All the sorrow and loss that we experienced with Emerson must be transformed into joy and peace with her little sister. She has gifted us that.

When we were asked what one could do during the trauma over a year ago, we asked that people prayed. We will continue to ask for the same - please say a prayer or burn a candle or make a wish on a star, whatever you feel most comfortable doing, that Baby Graham arrives into this world safely and full of the joy that I know she will bring to us.

And finally, I want to thank everyone for all their thoughts and prayers. They do not go unnoticed.

Much love,
Frances

Chugging Along

All systems a go. All checkups are going well. Yesterday, heartbeat looked good. She was asleep for a while, finally woke, and was a bit of a show off on the test strip, kicking, punching, rolling, and squirming (all good signs doctors like to see).

We are two weeks from the scheduled C-section, if all looks good with the lung capacity test. We'll head in on Monday, Nov 16 for the test, get all prepped and ready on the 17th (waiting on test results), and if it looks good, we'll have Baby G on Tuesday, Nov 17. If the lung capacity says we're not quite "cooked," we'll wait another week. Casper seems pretty confident that everything will be okay for the 17th, but promises not to make any irrational decisions (as I know she wouldn't do).

Todd left today for his last trip - headed to New Mexico for the Quivira Coalition conference. We're both looking forward to a halt on travel.

Now, we just wait. And enjoy the pure joy of this little girl growing and developing inside me, taking one day at a time.

PS

I MISS prenatal yoga! Two weeks without it - I miss the mamas.

Not much to report

A couple weeks ago, I started going to the doctor twice a week to be on a nonstress test, monitoring baby's heart rate and movement. I also have had an ultrasound once a week to continue to monitor amniotic fluid levels. Everything is looking good. Baby is quite an active little bugger, tossing, turning, kicking and pushing along with frequent bouts of the hiccups (taking after her father). I'm feeling good, and just plain ready. I am trying to get all my clients in a spot where I can leave them for a while - they all seem nervous, but they are also all excited for us.

Here are some photos from our yoga class...Blissful Bellies taught by Gloria Overcash at Bodhi Tree Wellness here in Bozeman. Lauren Brown was the photographer (also a pregnant mama).

henna mamas

In celebrating the birth of our baby, a group of yoga mamas joined together for a henna afternoon. Here are some pictures:

Celebrating

On Saturday, I celebrated my 35th birthday. I love birthdays, and I have to admit this one was pretty special.

One year ago, I was laid off from MOSS. My life had turned upside down, and I frankly didn't know which end was up. After slowly moving through the darkness, finding some light, and rebuilding myself with a lot of family and friends' support, I went in to 2009 thinking it had to be a better year. And it has been.

Landing the BioBlitz job and becoming pregnant, I regained a renewed spirit about life. Life is so precious and can be taken from us at any given point in time. Learning what really matters is one of the most precious gifts Emerson could have given me. And I have learned that enjoying life to the fullest, spending time with those you love, and cherishing the moments you are alive is the most important thing in life. It is with this spirit, I will give birth to our second child.

So, when it comes to birth days, I will forever celebrate. It is on this day that mothers and fathers around the globe share in a magical moment. Life begins and life evolves and life changes. There are ups and downs, sidebends and backbends. We are born unto this world and we shall all give thanks for the life we have been given. We are all blessed. And that, my friends, is reason to celebrate.

It's really fun to celebrate my birth day as we approach Baby Graham's birth day.

This all reminds me of the Celebration Song sung at Happening:

For our life together, we celebrate
Life that lasts forever, we celebrate
For the joy and for the sorrow
Yesterday, today, tomorrow,
We Celebrate!

3D

Last week, we had a special 3D ultrasound to take a peek at little Baby Graham. She's adorable (and strikingly looks like her sister). We have a few videos and a couple pictures, but honestly, it was difficult to get this little one to model for us. She likes to have all hands and feet right in front of her face.

I'd Like to Teach the World to...

Over the last eight years, I have lived on a personal mission to teach the world one thing - how important it is for children to learn and play outside.

However, I'm adding to my mission: teach the world (and in particular, our US society) to NEVER ask a pregnant woman if this is her first child (added to that, never ask a woman if she's pregnant, but I would hope we're learning this). Why does it matter? The horrible feeling it invokes for a woman (or man who is the father) who has had the experience of miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death far outweighs the need for the answer.

I don't understand why the question has become such commonplace for our society. If it is my first baby, then what - you have the privilege of telling me what life will be like with a baby (and how dramatically it will change), what I should expect in labor, the joys of poopy diapers and sleepless nights. What? I can honestly say, I cannot wait for my life to change, I will not be going through labor ever again, and I look forward to the sleepless nights and poopy diapers - cause that means my baby is ALIVE!

The question poses so much for me - do I say, Yes, this is my first child (only to be ridiculed with responses such as above) and thus not acknowledging my baby Emerson? Or, do I say, No and leave it at that (which has brought on the, oh, you're gonna be even busier now or wow, you don't look that tired, just to name a couple). Or, do I just lay it out there by saying, no, this is our second and our first died after two days (to leave them with tears in their eyes or a punch in the gut). I don't want to answer with any of these. I just don't want to answer the question. Period.

And I guess, I am going to get it even after our baby is born - is she your only child? How many children do you have? Is she your first born? So, I better just get used to it, but folks, be ready for the gut punch or tears.

In the meantime, I will try to spread the word - just don't ask. Relish in the joy of the current pregnancy or the child in your presence. No need for prying any more.

28 Week Update

Today I went in for an "in-between" checkup. Casper wanted to examine me just to ensure no signs of labor. All was fine and I got my flu shot while I was there.

Tomorrow I am going in for a three hour glucose test since my one hour test came back a little high. I'm also going in for another ultrasound - Casper wants to keep a close eye on my amniotic fluid levels. Since Todd's not in town, Marisa is going to join me. For whatever reason, I just don't want to have an ultrasound alone.

Prenatal yoga has been a wonderful addition in my life. It's a different style yoga - kundalini yoga. The movement and meditation has been powerful for me. I knew after I got back from Vermont (where we medidated everyday and had silent time), I wanted to continue some of the practice. I also feel stronger with the yoga.

Todd has been away since Saturday, and then I leave on Sunday. We're going to cross paths like this (or not even cross paths) for the next month or so. I'm not too thrilled about it, but we both are looking forward to the fact that neither of us will have to travel when the baby is born. We can savor the life together.

It's Been a While

We are in our 27th week now and I realized I haven't posted an update in a while. Here are some highlights:

At the end of June, I left for a retreat in Vermont. I spent some time with family prior to entering into the retreat. All in all, it was a fabulous time with wonderful people, great energy and amazing food to nourish baby. For about seven days, I lived in a little yurt, spent time in meditation, ate locally grown meals, and sent good energy to our baby.

After coming home, Todd and I celebrated our third anniversary. We spent the night among friends hosting a going-away fiesta for Vanessa, who is moving to Ithica.

On August 14, we celebrated Emerson's birthday. We spent the morning reflecting on where we were a year ago. The excitement followed by the trauma and fears and the unimaginable. During the afternoon, we went up to Hyalite Reservoir where the family had said goodbye to Emerson. We read some of the readings we read as a family. We talked with Emerson and let her know how much we love and miss her. Rain sprinkled on us and thunder clashed. I thought she must be bowling with Tootsie.

We have had great checkups and Casper has been keeping a close eye on me. I had my glucose test last week and got the call that it came in a little high, which means I have to go back for the dreaded three hour test. For those of you who have never had a glucose test, you drink a pint of horribly sweet liquid and wait an hour until they can pull your blood. During that hour, you feel as though you have bugs in your skin trying to jump out. Not to mention, the baby goes nuts. For the three hour test, you fast for at least 12 hours before (which they actually told me I had to do for the one hour test too, so I did that one on an empty stomach). Your drink even more concentrated syrupy liquid and have your blood pulled every hour for three hours (still fasting). I will need strength for that one.

I have been having some weird cramping and poor circulation. The cramping seemed to be getting worse on Friday and then pretty regular and painful yesterday. A group had gone out to a ranch near White Sulphur Springs, and when we got back I told a couple gals about the cramping. They said just go to the hospital and they'll check it out for me. Todd had left for Colorado and I knew I'd be worried all night, so I thought, this time I probably should. I called Casper at home and told her what was going on - she said, "Frances, it's really easy to look and see if it's contractions. I'll call the hospital and let them know you're coming."

Marisa and I went to Labor and Delivery. They took me into the Triage room, I provided a urine sample, and they hooked me up to the fetal heart monitor and contraction monitor. Baby was moving all over the place, which made it hard to follow her heartbeat, but it was looking good. Minutes later, there was Casper, just what she wanted to do on a Saturday night. She looked at the strip, ran more tests, and waited with us until the tests came back. Everything looked just fine - cervix is closed and high, baby is moving and has a great heartbeat, and I tested negative for everything she thought it could be. She's thinking it's scar tissue stretching, as well as just my uterus growing. She is so calm and proficient and attentive. During the waiting time from the lab results, I went through a bunch of questions I had been thinking about. She was so thorough and always listens to my concerns - never taking any question lightly. She is definitely my partner though all of this.

I took Marisa home and came home and had a PBJ at 10pm. I drank a bunch of water (she was also worried about me being a little dehydrated), lotioned the sunburn I seem to have acquired that day, and crawled into an empty bed with Grady already asleep in his.

I've started a prenatal yoga class that I'm really enjoying. It's kundalini yoga with movement, meditation, singing and all in all great energy. I'm reading the book "Beautiful Bountiful Blissful" which is inspiring me in so many ways. Although I know I am not going to have a "natural" childbirth, I still need positive energy, strength and endurance radiating through me. All in all, I feel more connected and alive. Blissful.

21 weeks and counting

Today was a check-up day. Everything looks good. I need to drink more water, but all in all, baby Graham is growing strong. We now have dates to choose from for the c-section - either the day before Thanksgiving or the Monday after. We have some time to decide.

I spent the afternoon with Marilyn and Sanna, both mothers whose baby girls died in 2006. It feels good to talk, share, cry, and remember together. Our little angels are with us every day and help guide us in every light.

We're approaching Emerson's first birthday. Not sure how we'll celebrate. I want to honor her in a special way and spend the day with Todd, Grady the old red dog, and baby Graham. If anyone has suggestions, please let us know. In the meantime, I really wish Toys-R-Us would stop sending me birthday reminders.

Anti-computer

So here's a good one. Last night as I was working with the laptop on my lap, I got a kick. And then another. And another. Baby Graham was literally kicking the computer, so much that it would move my laptop! She must have been annoyed that mom was working so late.

As more unique experiences happen with this little bun, it helps separate my feelings from Emerson. I think it's probably common to compare one pregnancy to another, but I have been feeling guilty about it. Now, as we continue to grow together, life becomes more about this little bambino.

Ooh, another kick. Better get off this thing.

The Wave

During the ultrasound last week, we got a wave from baby Graham - with just the pointer finger. She gave us the "number one." The tech caught it and we have a picture of it. When I was sharing the pictures with folks at the refuge, that one picture struck up a conversation about different finger signs. They teased me that she really gave us the "middle finger." Then, I told them what Emerson had done, the ultra-cool pointer finger, pinky, thumb sign (think surfer dude). Erin told us that is the slang sign for "I love you." My heart sank. Really? Emerson flashed us "I love you." Just amazing. When I told Todd, his eyes welled with tears. Another moment of reality mixed with something greater going on in this world. Thank you God.

Ultrasound: 100% sure it's a Girl

Today we had our 20 week ultrasound. Everything looked perfect. Heart, brain, stomach, kidneys, bladder, placenta, umbilical cord, bones, mouth (no cleft pallet). Heartbeat was 150 beats per minute. And this is 100% girl. Her feet were crossed, and she remained active for the entire hour.

Our reality. It's all just the next step. We're relieved and thankful that baby Graham looks healthy. In reality, it all becomes very mechanical. There's not that giddy excitement that we experienced with Emerson. Naivety is gone. We both agreed that it is difficult to be excited and giddy until we have a healthy baby in our hands. In the meantime, we will continue to pray for this little girl, for her health and safety in the womb and at birth.

Week 20

I have heard from people that the blog is making them cry. This makes me realize that I've spent too much time focusing on Emerson here, versus celebrating the life of our new baby. In that effort, I realize I need to share more of our excitement and joy of our new arrival. Being week 20, half-way through the pregnancy, I will strive to focus on our new baby while Emerson will still help guide our spirit. I think this is what some would say, the healthy thing to do?

Tomorrow is our "real" ultrasound, hopefully confirming Casper's prediction this is a little girl. She has been moving around a bit more, and I will feel very relieved to take another peek at the little one, especially with Todd there.

I also decided to start a baby registry. We don't need much, as the nursery was almost ready to go. However, I was feeling like this baby needs to be celebrated with her own things. So, I focused on the items we still need plus more books and activities for Baby Graham to learn and grow. Babys R Us, Garnett Hill, and Land of Nod have our lists.

We think we have a name, although something may change at the last minute. So, when the baby is born, everyone will find out Baby Graham's name.

More tomorrow after the ultrasound!

Home sweet home

After a great fourth of July in Big Piney, I had an amazing farewell at the Refuge last week. All of the staff gathered to wish me well, and they honored me with a nice plaque, card signed by all, and a carved owl. They didn't know the story - after Emerson died, a great horned owl came to visit us when the family was here. It was so touching, and kinda sad to leave.

I got home Wed night, while Todd was in the Centennials camping and doing a talk for a group. We had a quiet Thursday evening, and then headed to the Madison Valley on Friday. We enjoyed the night with our friends Annie and Bob Graham (not related) at their ranch. We woke to a beautiful day, and drove over to the Centennials to Red Rocks National Wildlife Refuge. We had a meeting there, surrounded by gorgeous views while trying not to get lifted away by a gazillion mosquitoes. Grady had had a very rough day (he has a condition where he has a very small breathing opening, which had swollen), so we wanted to get home rather quickly so he'd be able to relax in bed (almost the sole treatment when his throat swells shut).

So, now we're home for the week, camping this weekend with friends, and heading out again later next week. It's nice to not be living out of a suitcase for at least a few days.

Baby is moving, not on a regular basis. She's made some nice twists and turns and seems to be most active in late afternoon. I'm still paranoid about on which side I'm sleeping, and I don't know if that will ever go away. Ensuring this baby has oxygen at all times is my number one concern.

Little Bun in the Oven

Today I went in for a regular visit with Casper. We visited for a while, listened to the heartbeat, and then she asked if we had taken a peek last time. I said nope, and she asked if I wanted to…of course! Todd wasn’t with me, and she hesitated and said, “Wait, do you want to find out without him here?” I asked her if she could see, write it down, seal it in an envelope and we’ll open it tonight. We went into the ultrasound room, Casper, Sarah (her nurse) and me…three girls giddy with excitement. Baby’s legs were crossed, as Emerson's always were, and as soon as Casper got the right view, she turned it away from me. She’s said she’s 90% sure she knows.


Todd got home late from spending the day in the Madison - it was grueling to wait for him. We sat down for dinner and I said, open it! He tried to drag it out, and I said open it! On the folded scrip page was written, "Girl" with a flower box around it.

The Bulge aka Bump

Just in case you didn't believe me, here's proof there's a bun in the oven. That little bun seems to be moving around a bit more too, which is a nice feeling.

Meeting neighbors

Ahh, what sunshine does for a neighborhood.

As we were turning on sprinklers (yes, just now turning on sprinkler system at the end of June), I was sitting on the front porch swing. Our neighbor came home and we began chatting. She had been at her son's house for a BBQ, her long silver hair glistening in the warm sunshine. The more we all chatted, the more we learned about each other...and Todd and I sung her praises for moving in and taking the place of the awful renters that had preceded her (the partiers til the wee hours of the morning all summer last year). And then the ball dropped. She said she had lost her daughter in March, and I said we had lost our daughter in August. We immediately shared each other's pain. And then she told us she is Tara's mother - Tara was the woman who died in the Bozeman explosion in March. She apologized she had been so reclusive. My heart sank, as the explosion reached a new level in that moment. The conversation continued to turn, and we said we were pregnant again. She glowed and asked if she could do a smoke ceremony for the new baby (she is a first descendant of the Blackfeet Nation). Of course she can.

I look forward to getting to know Skip better. And I look forward to her sharing her blessings for our new baby.

The joy of sunshine.

There is a new song by Dave Matthews that talks about bad things that happen at the same time good ones do (...while babies are being born, soldiers are dying). I guess it has struck a chord with me on my daily drives to and from the refuge, and especially today.

While one close friend welcomes her new little boy, another has another failed IVF. While moms complain about not getting showers or sleep, I get a one year birthday reminder in the mail from Toys R Us. While one door shuts, another opens.

While I'm happy the BioBlitz is over (and I can't do anything to change it now, whether I like that or not), I will miss the place and the people. Amazing how in twelve short weeks, you bond with those around you. Sharing stories, getting excited over woodpeckers or porcupines in trees, pulling your hair out together, even losing sleep and having anxiety together. While at the event, I had another job offer to help organize a volunteer monitoring project. We'll see.

The highs and lows of life. They come and they go, and they are all what makes life tick. We would not know the sunshine if we didn't have the rain. We wouldn't know the joys without the sorrows. Maybe all the loss in life has more lessons in life than we realize...and offers us the grace we need to live life to the fullest with more zest and appreciation than before.

Energy and Consumption

Does it sound like a physics class?

As I approach 16 weeks, I look and feel pregnant. Amazing. I even had someone say to me that the baby was going to pop any day, and when I said November, they almost fell over (okay, it was a man). I swear half of it is just my "baby weight" that has moved from my sides back to my front, where it was gained and cushioned little Emerson so well.

Energy is returning. Perfect timing as we round the corner to the big weekend of the BioBlitz this weekend. Here's a funny one - I mapped out where all the exhibitors would be. I put someone in charge of getting the tents set up. He and I walked it today, as he questioned some of my placements. When we rounded the corner of the building for the last tent, he says, "And you wanted one here?" I looked and there was a huge propane tank. I swear it wasn't there a month ago when I mapped this. I must have really had a pregnant moment when I walked the same path three times to ensure where we'd place the tents. C'est la vie.

Eating for two doesn't mean eating more, just better. I'm trying. I'm hungry on regular intervals, and I do my best to have a healthy snack. The ice cream is still amazingly desirable. I'm trying to keep my consumption to fruits, vegetables, small portions of meat, nuts, and milk (I hate milk, but seem to crave it while pregnant - just with a little chocolate). All this in an effort to build healthy skin, bones, and eyelids.

Sixteen weeks on Thursday. Let's keep the energy up, at least through the weekend, then time for some big rests!

Baby's moving

I thought I felt something yesterday, and today it was confirmed. The baby is moving, and mama can feel it. What a nice little joy to add to my day. I love the surprise of the movement.

12 Days until BioBlitz

So, maybe it's stress and maybe it's hormones, but I definitely have some zits popping up. Lovely. Almost 35 years old and have a zit on my chinny chin chin. I remember breaking out about this time when I was preggers with Emerson - thinking it was the surge in estrogen. Possible girl again? Or just stress getting ready for the big day...Bitterroot BioBlitz.

I am officially in maternity clothes and look pregnant. Part of that is my big belly that had not gone away shaping into a nice pregnant looking belly. I vow right now that after this baby is born, an exercise regime is in order. I want to do more swimming and cycling - the fun stuff. I'd love to get back into a kayak or water ski/hydroslide again one day soon.

Our weekend in Idaho was a nice respite from the usual. It's gorgeous there - Todd's aunt and uncle live at the base of a ski hill with a tremendous view of Lake Pend Orielle. The trees, moisture, water, and sunshine were good for the soul. It's also nice to know we can go there anytime - and I can guarantee we will make that a summer spot at least once a year from now well into the future.

Nothing much else to report. Just waiting on a kick.

14 Weeks - News from Sarah

Today Sarah (Dr Casper's nurse) called. As it appears on my phone, "Big Sky Women's Specialists." I wasn't sure what to think, forgetting that I was waiting on lab results. Then I remembered. I also thought I remembered that she'd call only if something was wrong.

She said she had gotten the test results back. My heart raced. She said everything looked great. What a relief! She asked if I wanted the numbers or just to know it's all okay. I want numbers, are you kidding. For the Down's at my age, typical is something like 1:250 (the numbers are written down at the office). For me, it turns out 1:6,065. For the "tri's," at my age the normal is 1:250 (again, an estimate from memory). For me, it's 1:12,750. I'm okay with these, and we probably won't go any further.

Sarah asked if everything was going okay. I told her about my ferocious headache that has been a persnickity little &%$# since last Saturday. I also used some Nasonex (a steroid nasal spray that I was on before going off most drugs with Emerson). I finally had some relief today, so I let her know that. It's a grade C on the safety list, but Sarah was going to check with Casper if it was okay, looking at my chart to see I did use it last summer too.

So, I'm feeling good. Ready to feel baby. I remember feeling Emerson at 14 weeks, and I'm crossing my fingers for an early kick.

13 Weeks. Kicking and Headbutting.

I've been nervous as a cat. I didn't want to write anything cause I just needed to get through today. Leaving late from the Refuge, I drove, or flew to Bozeman to meet Todd at the hospital. We were scheduled for an ultrascreen, a first step at genetic testing for various disorders.

At the infant mortality walk last October, a minister here in town told his story. He's a military man in addition to being a preacher. He and his wife endured hell - pure hell. They had miscarriage after miscarriage. The military insurance wouldn't cover genetic testing until they had three. And four they had. On the fourth, they were going into their twelve week ultrasound (probably the genetic testing, now that I know what a 12 week ultrasound is generally for). They were excited, as this is the furthest they'd come. When the tech began the ultrasound, she gasped. He and his wife asked what was wrong, and to their sheer astonishment, the tech said, "The baby doesn't have a head. Let me go get a radiologist."

I went into today prepared for the worst - a missing limb, a heart not beating, a bulging spine, a thick neck, even a baby with no head. I have been worried since the 6wk4day ultrasound - freaked out that whatever story I hear, seems to come true for me. With Emerson, I wasn't worried about anything but the cord wrapped around her neck. Although that's not what happened, the same result ensued.

Before beginning, I was asked a number of questions. The hardest being, is this your first pregnancy. Later I explained to Stacy what happened, and her attention became acute. She gave me a warm blanket (literally, from the oven), poured warm goo on my belly, took a deep breath and began. There was a little human, but I'm not seeing the heartbeat. And that's the first thing she said, "See the heart? It's racing." Oh thank God. Head, heart, spine, and later feet, fingers, kicking, headbutting, twisting, turning, waving, soothing itself with a hand. An hour and a half later, we have pictures and a package with my blood is heading to North Carolina. We hear test results back in about 6 days, and from first glance, all looks good.

I'm feeling a lot of relief, and extremely connected to this baby. Tomorrow is our 12 week appt (a little late), and I look forward to sharing good news with Casper and Sarah.

Belly Bulge

It's true - the belly is starting to show. I don't know how long I'll be able to hide this - maternity clothes are calling my name!

Word.

Okay, so word is getting out slowly. We went to Virginia City on Saturday, randomly, for their Memorial Day parade. On that note, it's about a five minute parade, and ten when you add their trip back to the start. Pretty darn cute.

Ran into some ole Sun Ranch friends. It is pretty obvious when I'm not drinking (is this a bad sign?). After a while, Todd said, wanna tell em? So, he told them there was a reason I wasn't drinking. I like that friends aren't going ga ga and all ooohy gooey on me. Ryan told us we were "courageous." I think that's the best way to put it. It will take courage for us to make it to November.

So, Ennis probably knows now. I'm still avoiding Bozemanians - I'm just not wanting the attention at home. Once I make it through the 12 week check-up (which will actually be on my week 13), I may tell. There are some people I want to tell personally, so I want to be sure to talk with them first.

Todd said he's getting excited. I don't think I'm there yet, and I think it'll take me a while. I feel so attached to this baby, and yet so nervous and scared that I can't get excited yet. I feel like I'm protecting this baby. Or maybe myself.

Fly, Eagle, Fly

I will be eleven weeks tomorrow. The nausea has subsided a bit and I've added fiber to the diet to help with, well, for what you take fiber. I'm nervous that things have stopped growing in there. Casper said that I could come anytime for an ultrasound, and if I didn't have to go to Billings tomorrow, I would go get one. I think it's just a long stretch since we went so early the first time. I'm not gaining weight (which is fine with me if everything is okay), I'm not showing (which I was last time at 7 weeks), and I guess, all in all, it's just different. That's okay, but it makes me nervous. One thing that is the same is the crazy dreams. Last night, I ran through a fire that had surrounded me. I woke up and my heart was racing.

Last Saturday, Todd and I went to Three Forks State Park, where the headwaters of the Missouri come together. The Gallatin, Madison, and Jefferson Rivers all meet to form the mighty mighty Missouri. It is amazing to stand in one spot and see the different mountain ranges and rivers all come together. There is a lot of history in that spot, and you can feel it when you are there.

The green is just beginning to make itself known. Warmer temperatures brought on some leaf popping over the weekend. And finally, our tulips are up! I took a little break from yard work, Todd was sleeping, and low and behold a bald eagle flew over my head. She circled, and then I began to count the circles. One....two....three....seven....eight....nine....twelve! She was soaring around and around my head, just over our house and making loops, higher and higher. I knew it was Emerson coming to check on me. Her silence was mesmerizing. Her strength was so powerful. I sat in awe. And as she flew away, I had a yearning, a pull, to follow and knew that I couldn't. I sat thinking of how things, people come into our lives and quietly leave us, making us stronger than before.

A Space Between

It's been a while since I've written. It was a hard weekend last weekend, and I didn't want to write sad notes on our new baby's blog. But I realize, this may be the way it is for the rest of my life. I am always going to have Emerson memories and sad times will need to be acknowledged and celebrated.

Mother's Day. I am a mother without my baby. I pray that next year, our baby will be with us, happy and healthy. But Emerson will still not be here. I think about how old (I just mistyped this as "owl" - mistake?) she would be, looking for other babies around that may be her age. When we have our new baby, Emerson would have been just over one year old. This baby's big sister will have to live on in our hearts, and I will do everything I can to help Baby Graham know who his/her big sister is, was, and what she meant to us, without diminishing our love for our living baby.

On Mother's Day, Todd packed us all up and we headed up the Gallatin. We found a perfect breakfast spot, fit with a deck over the river, and cooked blueberry pancakes and bacon served with orange juice for breakfast. We spent some time soaking in the beauty and sunshine, the entire time thinking of Emerson and wishing she was right there with us. Afterwards, we headed over to the Boyers to pick up goat poo for the garden. That afternoon, we turned the soil, working in the goat poo, and planting vegetables for the summer. Again, all the while, thinking of our little girl who will always live on in our hearts.

So, Mother's Day has come and gone. Maybe it will be a happier day in the future, but there will always be a seed planted in my heart with Emerson. And I will always miss her, even on the happiest days.

TMI?

Okay, I don't remember day long...weekend long...week long nausea. I don't have much to report here, other than I feel queasy all the time these days.

I keep trying to keep my chin up, saying to myself it's all worth it. Then I get scared. What if I go through all this again and something else happens.

During the day I just want to lay down - for whatever reason, the queasiness seems to subside when I'm horizontal. Not to mention, I'm exhausted all the time. ALL the time. The headaches are still constant.

Okay, enough complaining. It's the joy of pregnancy, right? We have about five more weeks until the next doctor visit. I may go in just to take a peek and make sure everything is okay.

Family Excitement

Before we left Montana, we were able to tell Todd's family on Easter day. They were excited with the news, and Harvey already has nicknames for the little tike.

Since we were heading south for a little vacation, we decided to wait to tell my family in person. First stop, mom. We gave her a card with a picture of the pregnancy test that was an early mother's day gift. The picture dropped when she opened it, and when she picked it up, she didn't know what it was. We told her to read it, and she said, "Clear blue." I said to keep reading, but she couldn't see without her glasses. Once she put on her glasses, she looked at it again closer, and dropped her hands down and screamed.

We told my aunt Julie before we left for the wedding rehearsal. Her husband, John, and my cousin Martha were then in the know. We went through the wedding rehearsal and headed over to the dinner, which was in a cool downtown Nashville apartment building. Dad and Beth were going to be late, driving from Richmond. We had a card with the picture in it for them too. Word was spreading fast - Julie's friend Linda congratulated us, my cousin Jenny and her fiance Justin, and even the photographer offered to take belly photographs later in the pregnancy. I was getting nervous that Dad and Beth may find out from someone other than us. We were sitting on the poolside deck with the fireplace and taking in the breathtaking sunset, and Dad walked up. We chatted for a bit and went to find Beth. Once we finally got them both in the same spot, we gave them the card. Confused, Beth opened it, and again, the picture fell out. Dad picked up the picture while Beth read the card - both of them screaming at the same time. Tears came.

After the wedding, we headed south to Birmingham to have lunch with Grandmother, my aunt and uncle, Harriet and Jim, and cousin Jay. We chatted for a while in the living room, and then went to the restaurant. I wasn't sure how I was going to do this one. Fairly soon after we were seated, I said, "Well, we're going to have a baby in November." Harriet lit up and Grandmother was gracefully happy with a big grin.

We came further south to meet my cousin Harrison at the beach. When we got here, she was offering us different drinks, and I said, "Well, I can't have a beer because I'm pregnant." She lit up too.

While I am here, I got the news that our very close friends, Bobby and Avery Jones, are expecting a little one. I was calling to try to find out when and Bobby left me a message that it would be a Thanksgiving baby. I got the chills. Trying to call him with our news, we finally talked in person. He was telling us the good news and I said, "Well, guess what - we're having a baby on Thanksgiving too." So exciting!

A few more to go on this trip - Chris (who came by our beach spot yesterday, but left with a tired baby), Laura and the girls!

In the meantime, I'm loading the baby with some good ocean vibes, seafood, and sunshine. Oh, and lots of shirley temples (made with ginger ale).

6wks4days...Heartbeat.

Well, yesterday with great anticipation, nervousness and excitement, we went to the fourth floor of the hospital to the Big Sky Women's Specialist office. A much different visit than any other before.

The first time we did this, I recall just being giddy. This time, on the way into the double doors, I told Todd, I think I'm going to puke. He asked if it was morning sickness or nerves, and I said probably both but mostly nerves. I didn't know what I'd do if there was no heartbeat.

Casper showed up just after we had, and she came into the lobby and gave us a hug, out of breath from taking the stairs. She smiled and said she'd see us back there. Shortly afterwards, Sarah came to the door to call our names. She doesn't really even have to call our names - we see her, and we get up. I gave her a big hug and she said congratulations again. The great thing is that they aren't overly happy and giddy, all of us with the realization of life and how quickly it can change and we all lived through it together when Emerson died.

We got all prepped and ready. Casper came in and gave us the reality check. We're early, really early. She doesn't like to do an ultrasound before seven weeks and prefers eight. It will probably look like a blob. I asked, "And what if there is no heartbeat." With all seriousness and not taking my question lightly, Casper said, there may not be, but that doesn't mean it is not a viable pregnancy - we'll check again in a week.

Thus we begin. My stomach was about to come out of my mouth. Todd held my hand, as he always has. I wanted to cry before it even began.

And then I looked up at the screen and there it was. The little blob beating. Beating fast. 164 beats per minute. A heartbeat. And arm and leg buds beginning to form. 0.74 cm, which measures out to be 6wks4days - exactly where we are.

Relief - we've made it over the first of many very large mountains.

May God bless us and hold us through this very long process. And may Emerson's spirit guide our way...for the next 32 weeks and beyond.

The next mountain - 12 week visit with genetic testing.

Fire

On Monday afternoon, we saw smoke on the refuge. The small stream of smoke turned into a 200 acre fire. Burned trees, scorched ground, black vistas with hints of life that survived. The wind blew hard and swept the flames further and further. The following day, small embers with smoke still burned, resembling a black Yellowstone. Although this was probably started by people, wildfires are a natural process of turning and healing and rebirth of the land. It is a sad site, as wildlife homes burned in the flames. However, the burn will allow for new life.

Then, cold came again. Bozeman was hit with a spring snowstorm, adding a foot of snow to the record. Today, as the sun melted the snow, the bright green grass poked through the white bed.

I am anxious for Monday, where we will visit Casper and have our first ultrasound. I pray that a strong heartbeat will be visible. I am feeling nauseous and tired, so that is a good sign, I hope. Easter day, the day of celebrating rebirth was the worst nausea I've had - all day long. It has subsided a bit throughout the week.

Last night, we went out to dinner with our friends John and Lynn. Knowing that it would be very suspicious if I didn't have wine (my favorite food group), Todd and I had a plan - I would have a glass of wine and take tiny sips, and he would sneak gulps. The waitress kept filling my glass, so Todd ended up drinking twice as much! When we laughed, we giggled as our ploy backfired so badly. And, his stealthiness didn't go unnoticed - I think Lynn noticed and was probably either suspicious or thinking that Todd was losing his mind drinking out of my glass.

Sunshine is supposed to be here throughout the weekend - I hope to soak up some rays before we leave on Thursday for the south. I'm hoping I can share good news with family and friends.

Spring in Montana

Spring is starting to emerge from the long, dark, cold winter. Snow has melted - the last bit this week (until the next spring snowstorm). Sun is warming. Grass is turning green. Buds on trees are wanting to blast open.

While at the refuge this week, I had a connection to the natural world like none other. Spring is a time of birth and renewal. What a time to find out you're pregnant! The wildlife list includes: deer, grouse, blue herons, eagles (nesting with babies), canada geese (nesting in the osprey's nest), osprey, sandhill cranes (searching for where they will make a home), mergansers, loons, coots, even wild turkeys. Being surrounded by life emerging from the depths of winter or migrating home from far away places brings a newfound joy to me that I haven't known in a while.

Today, on my "off day," the sun shines and the birds sing in the backyard. The warmth is rejuvinating.

My fears today are whether this is a sound pregnancy. I can't remember what the early weeks felt like with Emerson. Gas bubbles that seem to slide around my lower abdomen still feel like kicks, and now I have given those to the Universe as Emerson telling me she's still with me and will help me with this baby, her little brother or sister.

More chasing sunshine to be had.

Beauty

The last few days have been a roller coaster. Monday, Marisa treated me to a massage and facial. I had to tell the masseuse and esthetician that I was pregnant, which felt strange - no one else knows but Todd and me and the doctor. I immediately told them that we lost a baby in August, my own insecurity of them getting all ga-ga on me. Again, I know too much - I can't get my hopes up, especially this early.

I went to see a chiropractor this week too, and told him. I have never seen a chiropractor, and my neck cracked in ways I never thought possible. Could that be the reason for the muscle strain in my neck? It took almost the entire massage to attempt to get the knots out, and even then, they weren't completely gone. During my first pregnancy, the pain in my lower back started almost immediately due to my hips and pelvis rotating in very strange ways. I had to go to physical therapy for weeks to continue to help adjust them. I'm hoping the chiropractor will help from the start with this pregnancy.

What I called heartburn throughout my first pregnancy has returned in full force. The burning in the throat sensation that seems to come on a full stomach, empty stomach - it doesn't matter.

All this work on my body to help prepare it for ten months of creating the best home possible for our little one. The sun and warmth out today are the best therapy of all - the beauty was breathtaking. Driving from Bozeman through the Big Hole to the Bitterroot Valley - absolutely spectacular. Thus begins my 13 week adventure of planning an event here.

Secret's Safe with Me (and Todd)

Holding a secret like this is just brutal. I want to shout out to the world that we are pregnant again. I want to jump up and down. I want to celebrate with family and friends. I want to tell - I want to tell - I want to tell.

Then there are the strangers and all their questions and comments. "Is this your first?" "Are you going to go natural?" "Do you care if it's a boy or girl?" They may seem like fair questions, but to me, they are trite, trivial, invasive and uncomfortable. Here's the truth for each one of them:

"Is this your first?" - No, we had a baby in August of 2008 and she died two days later.
"Are you going to go natural?" - No, I had an emergency c-section the first time, and have elected to have another c-section and deliver two weeks early to prevent anything from going wrong this time. The first time was traumatic, and I am scared to death.
"Do you care if it's a boy or girl?" - No, I want a healthy baby.
"I hope you have another girl." - Well, I am glad you want me to have a girl, but we want a healthy baby. No one can replace Emerson or fill her void. Our family will always have a hole in it.

Now, if I said those answers to say, the grocery store check-out lady, you can imagine how it would make them feel. Do I avoid that to protect them? Am I honest to respect Emerson? Or should people just not ask questions (reality check - they won't)?

I had more people ask me when I was due or if I was pregnant AFTER I delivered than before. Why? Why do we do this in our society?

The secret keeps us safe for now. We look forward to telling family and friends. We know they will offer the support we need through this pregnancy. I can't wait to tell them. It's the strangers that I fear right now. Their questions. Their innocence. My fears.

ps - we told Dr. Casper last night - it's nice just to have a person know, especially Casper.

Innocence

When someone finds out they are pregnant, there is a blissful happiness that you live on for about ten months. You formulate all kinds of dreams, situations, picturing your new child in your life. Creating the family in your mind that will be perfect. Holding, caressing, caring for your new baby. Teaching your baby to crawl, walk, throw a ball. Waiting for the day when they wake and ask for pancakes for breakfast. Comforting them when they cry. Celebrating their successes. When this ends suddenly, all of those dreams and hopes and innocence are lost and come to a crashing halt.

Finding out we are pregnant is an overwhelming emotion. Bliss. Happiness. Relief from the stress of trying unsuccessfully. Uneasiness. Fear of things going wrong.

During the last pregnancy, I never feared anything happening to the baby until the end - I'd heard stories of cords wrapping around necks. That was my fear. And in the end is when Emerson's life began and ended all in a matter of hours. I don't have a hump to get over during this pregnancy; I have ten months to get through before I get over a very real "hump." Every little step is fearful - are we going to make it to the eight week check up? Will baby be okay at the ultrasound? Will my blood pressure remain stable? Will my scar from Emerson damage this baby? Will I go into labor early? Overwhelming. I can do this, but I know I need support. My innocence is lost, my understanding is far greater, and my love for this baby runs deep.

And I pray that Emerson's strength is stronger now than ever before. She is the one who will help me get to the light at the end of the seemingly long tunnel. Baby steps. One at a time.

Clear Blue Easy

After awaking from more strange dreams and a sore throat from breathing through my mouth, I first crawled out of the bed to snuggle with Grady, our morning ritual. His tail thumped and he took a big stretch as I came down to greet him. Rubbing on his ears and scratching his belly, I knew this was the week to test. Today would be too early. I knew I shouldn't do it. Here I am again, peeing on a stick only to find myself disappointed. Why do I keep putting myself through it. Stupid test. I better hide it so Todd doesn't ask.

I glanced, still a timer blinking. I washed my hands and put in my contacts. I turned over my shoulder to look down, ready for disappointment, and there it was. "Pregnant." Noh, my gut fell to the ground. I wanted to scream, but that's not how I wanted to tell Todd. Holy cow! The meaning is so much more than the first time. I'm shaking.

I came out of the bedroom to Todd, sitting at the dining room table, eating breakfast, and reading the paper. I stretched out my arms for my morning hug...the first in a few days since I've had a nasty cold. As Todd and I were holding each other tight in a big bear hug, I slipped the test from my pocket onto the newspaper. He said, what's that, and with a closer look, exclaimed, "Holy Shit. Really?" I was shaking, nodding my head, as tears streamed down my face.

I said, we're pregnant. We both are ecstatic and nervous and anxious, filled with hope and love and anticipation, all over again.