Family Excitement

Before we left Montana, we were able to tell Todd's family on Easter day. They were excited with the news, and Harvey already has nicknames for the little tike.

Since we were heading south for a little vacation, we decided to wait to tell my family in person. First stop, mom. We gave her a card with a picture of the pregnancy test that was an early mother's day gift. The picture dropped when she opened it, and when she picked it up, she didn't know what it was. We told her to read it, and she said, "Clear blue." I said to keep reading, but she couldn't see without her glasses. Once she put on her glasses, she looked at it again closer, and dropped her hands down and screamed.

We told my aunt Julie before we left for the wedding rehearsal. Her husband, John, and my cousin Martha were then in the know. We went through the wedding rehearsal and headed over to the dinner, which was in a cool downtown Nashville apartment building. Dad and Beth were going to be late, driving from Richmond. We had a card with the picture in it for them too. Word was spreading fast - Julie's friend Linda congratulated us, my cousin Jenny and her fiance Justin, and even the photographer offered to take belly photographs later in the pregnancy. I was getting nervous that Dad and Beth may find out from someone other than us. We were sitting on the poolside deck with the fireplace and taking in the breathtaking sunset, and Dad walked up. We chatted for a bit and went to find Beth. Once we finally got them both in the same spot, we gave them the card. Confused, Beth opened it, and again, the picture fell out. Dad picked up the picture while Beth read the card - both of them screaming at the same time. Tears came.

After the wedding, we headed south to Birmingham to have lunch with Grandmother, my aunt and uncle, Harriet and Jim, and cousin Jay. We chatted for a while in the living room, and then went to the restaurant. I wasn't sure how I was going to do this one. Fairly soon after we were seated, I said, "Well, we're going to have a baby in November." Harriet lit up and Grandmother was gracefully happy with a big grin.

We came further south to meet my cousin Harrison at the beach. When we got here, she was offering us different drinks, and I said, "Well, I can't have a beer because I'm pregnant." She lit up too.

While I am here, I got the news that our very close friends, Bobby and Avery Jones, are expecting a little one. I was calling to try to find out when and Bobby left me a message that it would be a Thanksgiving baby. I got the chills. Trying to call him with our news, we finally talked in person. He was telling us the good news and I said, "Well, guess what - we're having a baby on Thanksgiving too." So exciting!

A few more to go on this trip - Chris (who came by our beach spot yesterday, but left with a tired baby), Laura and the girls!

In the meantime, I'm loading the baby with some good ocean vibes, seafood, and sunshine. Oh, and lots of shirley temples (made with ginger ale).

6wks4days...Heartbeat.

Well, yesterday with great anticipation, nervousness and excitement, we went to the fourth floor of the hospital to the Big Sky Women's Specialist office. A much different visit than any other before.

The first time we did this, I recall just being giddy. This time, on the way into the double doors, I told Todd, I think I'm going to puke. He asked if it was morning sickness or nerves, and I said probably both but mostly nerves. I didn't know what I'd do if there was no heartbeat.

Casper showed up just after we had, and she came into the lobby and gave us a hug, out of breath from taking the stairs. She smiled and said she'd see us back there. Shortly afterwards, Sarah came to the door to call our names. She doesn't really even have to call our names - we see her, and we get up. I gave her a big hug and she said congratulations again. The great thing is that they aren't overly happy and giddy, all of us with the realization of life and how quickly it can change and we all lived through it together when Emerson died.

We got all prepped and ready. Casper came in and gave us the reality check. We're early, really early. She doesn't like to do an ultrasound before seven weeks and prefers eight. It will probably look like a blob. I asked, "And what if there is no heartbeat." With all seriousness and not taking my question lightly, Casper said, there may not be, but that doesn't mean it is not a viable pregnancy - we'll check again in a week.

Thus we begin. My stomach was about to come out of my mouth. Todd held my hand, as he always has. I wanted to cry before it even began.

And then I looked up at the screen and there it was. The little blob beating. Beating fast. 164 beats per minute. A heartbeat. And arm and leg buds beginning to form. 0.74 cm, which measures out to be 6wks4days - exactly where we are.

Relief - we've made it over the first of many very large mountains.

May God bless us and hold us through this very long process. And may Emerson's spirit guide our way...for the next 32 weeks and beyond.

The next mountain - 12 week visit with genetic testing.

Fire

On Monday afternoon, we saw smoke on the refuge. The small stream of smoke turned into a 200 acre fire. Burned trees, scorched ground, black vistas with hints of life that survived. The wind blew hard and swept the flames further and further. The following day, small embers with smoke still burned, resembling a black Yellowstone. Although this was probably started by people, wildfires are a natural process of turning and healing and rebirth of the land. It is a sad site, as wildlife homes burned in the flames. However, the burn will allow for new life.

Then, cold came again. Bozeman was hit with a spring snowstorm, adding a foot of snow to the record. Today, as the sun melted the snow, the bright green grass poked through the white bed.

I am anxious for Monday, where we will visit Casper and have our first ultrasound. I pray that a strong heartbeat will be visible. I am feeling nauseous and tired, so that is a good sign, I hope. Easter day, the day of celebrating rebirth was the worst nausea I've had - all day long. It has subsided a bit throughout the week.

Last night, we went out to dinner with our friends John and Lynn. Knowing that it would be very suspicious if I didn't have wine (my favorite food group), Todd and I had a plan - I would have a glass of wine and take tiny sips, and he would sneak gulps. The waitress kept filling my glass, so Todd ended up drinking twice as much! When we laughed, we giggled as our ploy backfired so badly. And, his stealthiness didn't go unnoticed - I think Lynn noticed and was probably either suspicious or thinking that Todd was losing his mind drinking out of my glass.

Sunshine is supposed to be here throughout the weekend - I hope to soak up some rays before we leave on Thursday for the south. I'm hoping I can share good news with family and friends.

Spring in Montana

Spring is starting to emerge from the long, dark, cold winter. Snow has melted - the last bit this week (until the next spring snowstorm). Sun is warming. Grass is turning green. Buds on trees are wanting to blast open.

While at the refuge this week, I had a connection to the natural world like none other. Spring is a time of birth and renewal. What a time to find out you're pregnant! The wildlife list includes: deer, grouse, blue herons, eagles (nesting with babies), canada geese (nesting in the osprey's nest), osprey, sandhill cranes (searching for where they will make a home), mergansers, loons, coots, even wild turkeys. Being surrounded by life emerging from the depths of winter or migrating home from far away places brings a newfound joy to me that I haven't known in a while.

Today, on my "off day," the sun shines and the birds sing in the backyard. The warmth is rejuvinating.

My fears today are whether this is a sound pregnancy. I can't remember what the early weeks felt like with Emerson. Gas bubbles that seem to slide around my lower abdomen still feel like kicks, and now I have given those to the Universe as Emerson telling me she's still with me and will help me with this baby, her little brother or sister.

More chasing sunshine to be had.

Beauty

The last few days have been a roller coaster. Monday, Marisa treated me to a massage and facial. I had to tell the masseuse and esthetician that I was pregnant, which felt strange - no one else knows but Todd and me and the doctor. I immediately told them that we lost a baby in August, my own insecurity of them getting all ga-ga on me. Again, I know too much - I can't get my hopes up, especially this early.

I went to see a chiropractor this week too, and told him. I have never seen a chiropractor, and my neck cracked in ways I never thought possible. Could that be the reason for the muscle strain in my neck? It took almost the entire massage to attempt to get the knots out, and even then, they weren't completely gone. During my first pregnancy, the pain in my lower back started almost immediately due to my hips and pelvis rotating in very strange ways. I had to go to physical therapy for weeks to continue to help adjust them. I'm hoping the chiropractor will help from the start with this pregnancy.

What I called heartburn throughout my first pregnancy has returned in full force. The burning in the throat sensation that seems to come on a full stomach, empty stomach - it doesn't matter.

All this work on my body to help prepare it for ten months of creating the best home possible for our little one. The sun and warmth out today are the best therapy of all - the beauty was breathtaking. Driving from Bozeman through the Big Hole to the Bitterroot Valley - absolutely spectacular. Thus begins my 13 week adventure of planning an event here.

Secret's Safe with Me (and Todd)

Holding a secret like this is just brutal. I want to shout out to the world that we are pregnant again. I want to jump up and down. I want to celebrate with family and friends. I want to tell - I want to tell - I want to tell.

Then there are the strangers and all their questions and comments. "Is this your first?" "Are you going to go natural?" "Do you care if it's a boy or girl?" They may seem like fair questions, but to me, they are trite, trivial, invasive and uncomfortable. Here's the truth for each one of them:

"Is this your first?" - No, we had a baby in August of 2008 and she died two days later.
"Are you going to go natural?" - No, I had an emergency c-section the first time, and have elected to have another c-section and deliver two weeks early to prevent anything from going wrong this time. The first time was traumatic, and I am scared to death.
"Do you care if it's a boy or girl?" - No, I want a healthy baby.
"I hope you have another girl." - Well, I am glad you want me to have a girl, but we want a healthy baby. No one can replace Emerson or fill her void. Our family will always have a hole in it.

Now, if I said those answers to say, the grocery store check-out lady, you can imagine how it would make them feel. Do I avoid that to protect them? Am I honest to respect Emerson? Or should people just not ask questions (reality check - they won't)?

I had more people ask me when I was due or if I was pregnant AFTER I delivered than before. Why? Why do we do this in our society?

The secret keeps us safe for now. We look forward to telling family and friends. We know they will offer the support we need through this pregnancy. I can't wait to tell them. It's the strangers that I fear right now. Their questions. Their innocence. My fears.

ps - we told Dr. Casper last night - it's nice just to have a person know, especially Casper.