Tuesday, November 17, 2009

It Ain't Always Black or White

In a world full of decisions, there often time comes when there is a gray area. After a very long, stressful day yesterday, our phone finally rang at 9:34. The assessment of Baby Graham's fetal lung development landed in the "borderline" area. The Fluorescent Polarization Test (FLM) measures mature lungs over 55mg/G, and we fell at 53 and got nervous. Our immediate thoughts were, what if we go too early and she ends up with respiratory distress? We'll be living the nightmare all over again. We don't want to put our baby in jeopardy from the start, if we can help it. But, weighing that with "going too long" and risking what happened with Emerson again would be unbearably crushing.

After talking to Casper again this morning, we feel confident in our decision to have an early c-section on Thursday, giving Baby G a few more days to "cook." The repercussions at this stage of gestation would be that she may need a little extra oxygen in the nursery. Ideally, we won't have to go there, but we are accepting that as an option when and if we need to face it.

We began our road to parenthood making extremely tough decisions last year. We know this is part of being parents, and we're willing to accept it. I guess I'm ready to get to a point of balance where there is more joy and happiness that outweighs the worry, fear, anxiety and hard decisions that come with being a parent. That part is all I know so far, and I look forward to the other side.

So, I wait with patience.

Monday, November 16, 2009


In a world that has so much going on right now, there is only one thing I can turn my focus. I woke this morning at 3, which isn't unusual, and couldn't get back to sleep. My thoughts wandered around the list of things still needed to accomplish, anxiety over the lung capacity test, and thoughts of a delivery.

This morning, we are headed to the hospital for the lung capacity test. Casper and Robin (radiologist) together will draw a sample of amniotic fluid. By ten this morning, it will be couriered to Billings to St. Vincent's hospital. We should know this evening whether our packed bags will head to the hospital in the morning or have to wait another week.

Both Todd and I are ready to hold our baby girl. All the worries and fears and anxiety of birth and post-birth are starting to be outweighed with the simple pleasures of seeing her hands and feet and belly button and ears.

After Kundalini yoga, we always end with this song:
May the long time sun, shine upon you
All love surround you
And the pure light within you
Guide your way on.

I keep singing it over and over in my head. It has become a mantra for my daily living, and my prayer for my little girls.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

One Week, well, Maybe

Next Monday, we will have an amniocentesis/ultrasound to determine if Baby Graham's lungs are fully formed and functioning. If so, on Tuesday morning we will have the scheduled c-section.

My gut is turning. I'm not sure how to even describe the fears. And, I don't really want to even write them here, as I feel if I put them out to the Universe, something may really happen. Rather, I will tell you that I am spending time grounding myself, meditating, praying, and seeking others to do the same.

I have been back to the hospital, even to Labor and Delivery, since Emerson died. However, this will be different. I will be going to have our second baby under much more controlled circumstances. We will be going in around 6am with surgery to begin at 8:30am. The same doctors and nurses will be there (planned and scheduled). I will be trying to channel all the good energy that I possibly can, together with Todd and our delivery team. Here's what I look forward to sharing in the first moments and days that I didn't share with Emerson:

- Hearing our baby cry
- Holding our live baby in our arms
- Seeing our baby's eyes
- Wrapping our baby in our arms
- Nursing our baby
- Smelling our baby
- Changing our baby's diapers
- Listening to our baby sleep soundly
- Watching our baby breath on her own
- Watching Todd care for our baby
- Rocking our baby to sleep
- Holding our baby's hands
- Watching our baby grow

I'm sure the list could continue. I will spend the next week praying that these visions come true. All the sorrow and loss that we experienced with Emerson must be transformed into joy and peace with her little sister. She has gifted us that.

When we were asked what one could do during the trauma over a year ago, we asked that people prayed. We will continue to ask for the same - please say a prayer or burn a candle or make a wish on a star, whatever you feel most comfortable doing, that Baby Graham arrives into this world safely and full of the joy that I know she will bring to us.

And finally, I want to thank everyone for all their thoughts and prayers. They do not go unnoticed.

Much love,

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Chugging Along

All systems a go. All checkups are going well. Yesterday, heartbeat looked good. She was asleep for a while, finally woke, and was a bit of a show off on the test strip, kicking, punching, rolling, and squirming (all good signs doctors like to see).

We are two weeks from the scheduled C-section, if all looks good with the lung capacity test. We'll head in on Monday, Nov 16 for the test, get all prepped and ready on the 17th (waiting on test results), and if it looks good, we'll have Baby G on Tuesday, Nov 17. If the lung capacity says we're not quite "cooked," we'll wait another week. Casper seems pretty confident that everything will be okay for the 17th, but promises not to make any irrational decisions (as I know she wouldn't do).

Todd left today for his last trip - headed to New Mexico for the Quivira Coalition conference. We're both looking forward to a halt on travel.

Now, we just wait. And enjoy the pure joy of this little girl growing and developing inside me, taking one day at a time.

Friday, October 23, 2009


I MISS prenatal yoga! Two weeks without it - I miss the mamas.

Not much to report

A couple weeks ago, I started going to the doctor twice a week to be on a nonstress test, monitoring baby's heart rate and movement. I also have had an ultrasound once a week to continue to monitor amniotic fluid levels. Everything is looking good. Baby is quite an active little bugger, tossing, turning, kicking and pushing along with frequent bouts of the hiccups (taking after her father). I'm feeling good, and just plain ready. I am trying to get all my clients in a spot where I can leave them for a while - they all seem nervous, but they are also all excited for us.

Here are some photos from our yoga class...Blissful Bellies taught by Gloria Overcash at Bodhi Tree Wellness here in Bozeman. Lauren Brown was the photographer (also a pregnant mama).

Monday, October 12, 2009

henna mamas

In celebrating the birth of our baby, a group of yoga mamas joined together for a henna afternoon. Here are some pictures: