Belly Bulge

It's true - the belly is starting to show. I don't know how long I'll be able to hide this - maternity clothes are calling my name!

Word.

Okay, so word is getting out slowly. We went to Virginia City on Saturday, randomly, for their Memorial Day parade. On that note, it's about a five minute parade, and ten when you add their trip back to the start. Pretty darn cute.

Ran into some ole Sun Ranch friends. It is pretty obvious when I'm not drinking (is this a bad sign?). After a while, Todd said, wanna tell em? So, he told them there was a reason I wasn't drinking. I like that friends aren't going ga ga and all ooohy gooey on me. Ryan told us we were "courageous." I think that's the best way to put it. It will take courage for us to make it to November.

So, Ennis probably knows now. I'm still avoiding Bozemanians - I'm just not wanting the attention at home. Once I make it through the 12 week check-up (which will actually be on my week 13), I may tell. There are some people I want to tell personally, so I want to be sure to talk with them first.

Todd said he's getting excited. I don't think I'm there yet, and I think it'll take me a while. I feel so attached to this baby, and yet so nervous and scared that I can't get excited yet. I feel like I'm protecting this baby. Or maybe myself.

Fly, Eagle, Fly

I will be eleven weeks tomorrow. The nausea has subsided a bit and I've added fiber to the diet to help with, well, for what you take fiber. I'm nervous that things have stopped growing in there. Casper said that I could come anytime for an ultrasound, and if I didn't have to go to Billings tomorrow, I would go get one. I think it's just a long stretch since we went so early the first time. I'm not gaining weight (which is fine with me if everything is okay), I'm not showing (which I was last time at 7 weeks), and I guess, all in all, it's just different. That's okay, but it makes me nervous. One thing that is the same is the crazy dreams. Last night, I ran through a fire that had surrounded me. I woke up and my heart was racing.

Last Saturday, Todd and I went to Three Forks State Park, where the headwaters of the Missouri come together. The Gallatin, Madison, and Jefferson Rivers all meet to form the mighty mighty Missouri. It is amazing to stand in one spot and see the different mountain ranges and rivers all come together. There is a lot of history in that spot, and you can feel it when you are there.

The green is just beginning to make itself known. Warmer temperatures brought on some leaf popping over the weekend. And finally, our tulips are up! I took a little break from yard work, Todd was sleeping, and low and behold a bald eagle flew over my head. She circled, and then I began to count the circles. One....two....three....seven....eight....nine....twelve! She was soaring around and around my head, just over our house and making loops, higher and higher. I knew it was Emerson coming to check on me. Her silence was mesmerizing. Her strength was so powerful. I sat in awe. And as she flew away, I had a yearning, a pull, to follow and knew that I couldn't. I sat thinking of how things, people come into our lives and quietly leave us, making us stronger than before.

A Space Between

It's been a while since I've written. It was a hard weekend last weekend, and I didn't want to write sad notes on our new baby's blog. But I realize, this may be the way it is for the rest of my life. I am always going to have Emerson memories and sad times will need to be acknowledged and celebrated.

Mother's Day. I am a mother without my baby. I pray that next year, our baby will be with us, happy and healthy. But Emerson will still not be here. I think about how old (I just mistyped this as "owl" - mistake?) she would be, looking for other babies around that may be her age. When we have our new baby, Emerson would have been just over one year old. This baby's big sister will have to live on in our hearts, and I will do everything I can to help Baby Graham know who his/her big sister is, was, and what she meant to us, without diminishing our love for our living baby.

On Mother's Day, Todd packed us all up and we headed up the Gallatin. We found a perfect breakfast spot, fit with a deck over the river, and cooked blueberry pancakes and bacon served with orange juice for breakfast. We spent some time soaking in the beauty and sunshine, the entire time thinking of Emerson and wishing she was right there with us. Afterwards, we headed over to the Boyers to pick up goat poo for the garden. That afternoon, we turned the soil, working in the goat poo, and planting vegetables for the summer. Again, all the while, thinking of our little girl who will always live on in our hearts.

So, Mother's Day has come and gone. Maybe it will be a happier day in the future, but there will always be a seed planted in my heart with Emerson. And I will always miss her, even on the happiest days.

TMI?

Okay, I don't remember day long...weekend long...week long nausea. I don't have much to report here, other than I feel queasy all the time these days.

I keep trying to keep my chin up, saying to myself it's all worth it. Then I get scared. What if I go through all this again and something else happens.

During the day I just want to lay down - for whatever reason, the queasiness seems to subside when I'm horizontal. Not to mention, I'm exhausted all the time. ALL the time. The headaches are still constant.

Okay, enough complaining. It's the joy of pregnancy, right? We have about five more weeks until the next doctor visit. I may go in just to take a peek and make sure everything is okay.