Next Monday, we will have an amniocentesis/ultrasound to determine if Baby Graham's lungs are fully formed and functioning. If so, on Tuesday morning we will have the scheduled c-section.
My gut is turning. I'm not sure how to even describe the fears. And, I don't really want to even write them here, as I feel if I put them out to the Universe, something may really happen. Rather, I will tell you that I am spending time grounding myself, meditating, praying, and seeking others to do the same.
I have been back to the hospital, even to Labor and Delivery, since Emerson died. However, this will be different. I will be going to have our second baby under much more controlled circumstances. We will be going in around 6am with surgery to begin at 8:30am. The same doctors and nurses will be there (planned and scheduled). I will be trying to channel all the good energy that I possibly can, together with Todd and our delivery team. Here's what I look forward to sharing in the first moments and days that I didn't share with Emerson:
- Hearing our baby cry
- Holding our live baby in our arms
- Seeing our baby's eyes
- Wrapping our baby in our arms
- Nursing our baby
- Smelling our baby
- Changing our baby's diapers
- Listening to our baby sleep soundly
- Watching our baby breath on her own
- Watching Todd care for our baby
- Rocking our baby to sleep
- Holding our baby's hands
- Watching our baby grow
I'm sure the list could continue. I will spend the next week praying that these visions come true. All the sorrow and loss that we experienced with Emerson must be transformed into joy and peace with her little sister. She has gifted us that.
When we were asked what one could do during the trauma over a year ago, we asked that people prayed. We will continue to ask for the same - please say a prayer or burn a candle or make a wish on a star, whatever you feel most comfortable doing, that Baby Graham arrives into this world safely and full of the joy that I know she will bring to us.
And finally, I want to thank everyone for all their thoughts and prayers. They do not go unnoticed.
Much love,
Frances
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Hi Frances- Lots of good, loving, peaceful, healthy thought from me to you, Todd and your daughter! I'll keep sending good thoughts your way; I know it will be wonderful! Melynda
ReplyDeleteOh, Frances. The list of things you want for you and your baby brought tears to my eyes...they are such simple wishes, so taken for granted by the many who have had healthy, joyful births with their children. It is so little to ask, yet so much.
ReplyDeleteI remember so many of those with our children, and am lucky enough to cherish them still with Felix. I think you can add to that list "Gazing at our baby's face, and tiny feet and hands and every part of her amazing being." Because they are a miracle, and I am so glad you can experience the miracle of carrying another inside you and (we hope, we pray, we know!) meeting her when she enters this world.