Secret's Safe with Me (and Todd)

Holding a secret like this is just brutal. I want to shout out to the world that we are pregnant again. I want to jump up and down. I want to celebrate with family and friends. I want to tell - I want to tell - I want to tell.

Then there are the strangers and all their questions and comments. "Is this your first?" "Are you going to go natural?" "Do you care if it's a boy or girl?" They may seem like fair questions, but to me, they are trite, trivial, invasive and uncomfortable. Here's the truth for each one of them:

"Is this your first?" - No, we had a baby in August of 2008 and she died two days later.
"Are you going to go natural?" - No, I had an emergency c-section the first time, and have elected to have another c-section and deliver two weeks early to prevent anything from going wrong this time. The first time was traumatic, and I am scared to death.
"Do you care if it's a boy or girl?" - No, I want a healthy baby.
"I hope you have another girl." - Well, I am glad you want me to have a girl, but we want a healthy baby. No one can replace Emerson or fill her void. Our family will always have a hole in it.

Now, if I said those answers to say, the grocery store check-out lady, you can imagine how it would make them feel. Do I avoid that to protect them? Am I honest to respect Emerson? Or should people just not ask questions (reality check - they won't)?

I had more people ask me when I was due or if I was pregnant AFTER I delivered than before. Why? Why do we do this in our society?

The secret keeps us safe for now. We look forward to telling family and friends. We know they will offer the support we need through this pregnancy. I can't wait to tell them. It's the strangers that I fear right now. Their questions. Their innocence. My fears.

ps - we told Dr. Casper last night - it's nice just to have a person know, especially Casper.