Over the last eight years, I have lived on a personal mission to teach the world one thing - how important it is for children to learn and play outside.
However, I'm adding to my mission: teach the world (and in particular, our US society) to NEVER ask a pregnant woman if this is her first child (added to that, never ask a woman if she's pregnant, but I would hope we're learning this). Why does it matter? The horrible feeling it invokes for a woman (or man who is the father) who has had the experience of miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death far outweighs the need for the answer.
I don't understand why the question has become such commonplace for our society. If it is my first baby, then what - you have the privilege of telling me what life will be like with a baby (and how dramatically it will change), what I should expect in labor, the joys of poopy diapers and sleepless nights. What? I can honestly say, I cannot wait for my life to change, I will not be going through labor ever again, and I look forward to the sleepless nights and poopy diapers - cause that means my baby is ALIVE!
The question poses so much for me - do I say, Yes, this is my first child (only to be ridiculed with responses such as above) and thus not acknowledging my baby Emerson? Or, do I say, No and leave it at that (which has brought on the, oh, you're gonna be even busier now or wow, you don't look that tired, just to name a couple). Or, do I just lay it out there by saying, no, this is our second and our first died after two days (to leave them with tears in their eyes or a punch in the gut). I don't want to answer with any of these. I just don't want to answer the question. Period.
And I guess, I am going to get it even after our baby is born - is she your only child? How many children do you have? Is she your first born? So, I better just get used to it, but folks, be ready for the gut punch or tears.
In the meantime, I will try to spread the word - just don't ask. Relish in the joy of the current pregnancy or the child in your presence. No need for prying any more.
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Frances - I totally get that. It's good that you posted it. I go back & forth with my answer, honestly - depending on the situation I suppose. If someone's bold enough to pose that question to you, then they've got to be prepared for your answer - IMHO. We're so excited for you & the family!! Get in touch - we'd love to have you over.
ReplyDeleteJana Cichowski
AMEN Sister! People think it's just a small talk question, but we now know it is not. I used to tell some askers of "Is he your only child?" that Felix had a little sister who died. Now I keep Elise to myself, because I don't want the naive/nosy Pollyannas to taint her existence by reacting negatively. I only tell people who I know or sense will give Elise the respect she deserves: the acknowledgment that she is a being among us and part of me and our family, with all the pain and hard-earned joy and acute awareness of the mystery of life that she inspired in us.
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